Saturday, August 24 I would have to agree with you Kenyon -- I've been duckin' and dodgin' those same questions ... I'm really not sure why but one of these days I'll sit down and face them. posted by Antonio Gaskin @ 2:29 PM [ e : w ]
Friday, August 23 Thanks Antonio! No shade intended...
You know, Donald, it's funny how all conversation ceased when you posted those questions. I know I've been duckin' & dodgin' 'em ever since. What is more insane is that I feel like those questions have been on my mind all summer. So, enough with hiding. Here goes nothing:
How many great loves do you think one person gets in a life time? I don't know. It depends on how you define both the words "great" and the word "love". I don't think there is any set number. I am a person who tends to remain friends with most of my ex's, and I consider them all great in one way or another, because of the people they are, have become, or what each of them has taught me. For instance, one ex is a recovering alcoholic, is bisexual, and now married to a woman. Our romantic relationship was pretty dysfunctional (and not because of his bisexuality, as we were monogamous, and his wife loves me to death and knows all about our relationship). But he stopped drinking after we broke up, and really started to pull his sh*t together. I was talking to him the other night (for the first time since he and his wife called me on 9-11 to make sure I was OK), and I was like, "Wow. The beautiful person I always saw, he now sees himself." And I feel very grateful to witness that kind of transformation. He is one of my greats for that reason. I'm trying to learn to undo all the Hollywood BS around romance and the way it is "supposed" to happen. I hope to find love wherever it finds me.
When people find or look for love, do you think they should be concerned with uniting with their intellectual and economic equals (or superiors)? Why or why not? Well, that one is tricky. As far as intellectual level, that has nothing to do with schooling I think. I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person by their example. I try to surround myself with friends who inspire me in that same way. That may have to do with intellect, it may have to do with their compassion and integrity as a human being. On the economic level, I have been on both ends of that spectrum. It's difficult to be in the "dating" stage when your change is short, or, as my mother would say, when my money is funny. It's a little different and you've been with someone for a while. It's also difficult when you have money and want to do certain things, and your partner feels inadequate because they can't afford to do certain things. I think if both people are content with where they are in life, in terms of job/career/economic status, folks can work it out. But where there's angst, there's issues.
How do you define love? This is the most difficult of all. But I think love is the desire to be transformed, and to witness transformation. That sounds real "Iyanla", but I can't describe it any other way. Every person I have ever loved, it has because I liked what was reflected in them, and I wanted to know who they were, completely, and who they were becoming. It's the possibility of growth. Janie says to Tea Cake in "Their Eyes Were Watching God", "I went off with you because you had somethin' I wanted to find out about." I think Erykah Badu's "Orange Moon" is that same idea, of how love is seeing your reflection in someone else, and being transformed.
And based on your definition of love what do you see as the difference between loving someone and being in love? I think being in love is passion. It's the being "in like" phase, which is why its a bad idea to get on TV professing your undying love for someone and swearing you're going to be together forever (ala Julia Roberts & Ben Bratt, Ellen & Anne, Prince & Mayte) when you're still in the "in love" phase. It's too fleeting. Love is much harder. It's work. And it takes a comittment to yourself and to other people to continually engage each other. Happily ever after is BS. It's too static. No friendship I have ever had that is loving ended up that way, and I have friends I have known for years. But what makes the difference is that I trust my friends to know that when we deal with things that are difficult, it is coming from a place of love and we are able to, again, be transformed by the experience, which makes our connection deeper and stronger. I think lovers/partners/husbands/wives don't and shouldn't function too much differently from great and lasting and loving friendships. I think that people THINK they should b/c of Hollywood nonsense, and that's a shame.
Those are my thoughts right now. They are, as with everything, subject to change.
