Wednesday, January 2 sometimes u get stuck in drive; u don't go forward or backward, just spinning ya wheels in the same place; i don't think that's where i want to be; yet, i'm certain that's where i am; keep think'n about the lovers in my life and why did those relationships fail; though, i realize i'm being too hard on myself, since, failure is a subjective ting' when it comes to lasting relationships; I look toward 2002, think'n, now, i don't want another emotional mess in my life; then i realize that i'm attracted to a man who can not fully accept or acknowledge 'cocksucking', esp., between him and i, though he sucks the emotions out my ass any chance he can get; Thing is, this is the exact conditions that led me to 'leave' the last nigg'a i was (and still am in so many sorry ass ways) in love wit; so here i am in 2002, ready to repeat my shit; i don't think so; but that don't change the fact that the only guy to get a 'rise' out of me in the last two years is another jerk. So i must have a pattern; but, i would and will be the last one to admit such a ting', would u? Maybe, just maybe, i'm one of the 'sick' fags that thinks by having sex with a 'suggestedly' straight guy, that it's some how going to be better sex; no, i refuse to accept that about myself; truth of the matter, i met T.S.; we talked here and there; i invitited him to play music wit me; he came to my home; we had fun; he kept coming back; then we got a bit cute in each other face; and it's been all hell since that point; shit, fool didn't even check on me this new years night, nothing, no call, nothing..so i would be stupid to pine on such jerk; of course, i dun wrote the silly ass poem that is really good but him don't deserve/respect such thoughts from me. Though he did say he like the poem; along with the exclaimitory remark, "oh..u must really like me.." which of course sent me spiarling to hell... why am i going on with these men..past and present..knowing that they serve no purpose other than to make me 'more' blue than i already am..lonely i guess, not too many "PEERS" in my world..why? I don't know..I party, i'm social, out going, i'm creative and the women love me, i.e., i gots lots of women friend, straight and lesbian..but no fellows..well, one fellow, my best friend..whom is a straight cat..20 years my junior..go figure, yeah, it's a freindship built on needs--well both of us i guess. Anyhow, 2002, i want to be loved..without problems or doubt, or fear, or games. that's not a resolution so much as a determination..although i know it not totally in my control..i think? well, normally, i'm not subject to such emotional babble..but today is a killer, really, like nina simone said, and i'm feeling terrible. u cats be good to eachother in the coming days..try to meet men u wouldn't normaly meet..like me..and be open to other views.. love somebody, i mean really love not just have sex and such.. later. posted by randolph webb @ 5:17 PM [ e : w ]
Tuesday, January 1 wow...its now 2002 and of course we need to do those new year's resolutions. but this time, the ones i have are doable (at least in my mind): 1. relocating to NYC (done ill be there the end of this month early next month) 2.work towards my goal of becoming an actor (talented mind you! :)) who can cross the lines of theatre, film and television with ease and ability --it looks like im enrolling at HB Studios im checking out a few other acting teachers versed in Meisner technique...but im looking to learn a strong technique that enables me to use my imagination to create characters from scratch Meisner or HB Studios will allow me to do that. 3. secure screenwriting, theatre, film and commercial agents by Fall 2002 4.learn to be more trusting 5.taking out the time to focus on ME and how RYAN D. CANTY is doing more often... 6. allowing love to flourish inmy life and not be so closed to it (though ive had reason tobe closed off to it in the past mainly dealing with trust issues) 7. enjoying life more often. 8. learning Spanish and French and brushing up on my German language skills somehow this year
there aremore but these are the ones that are top priority on my list..what about you? what are your goals for 2002 and beyond? Ryan posted by Ryan Canty @ 3:46 PM [ e : w ]
Monday, December 31 Happy New Year's Everyone! :) Ryan posted by Ryan Canty @ 9:54 PM [ e : w ]
